Mach Twang
Full Member
"The large print giveth and the small print taketh away."
Posts: 139
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Post by Mach Twang on Sept 12, 2008 11:37:39 GMT -6
Here are some of my faves.. How do you get a guitar player to play softer? •Give him some sheet music. How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? •None--they just steal somebody else's light. What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? •The chain saw has greater dynamic range. What do you do when a bass player is on your doorstep? •Give him the money and take your pizza. How do you know when your lead singer is at your door? •He always has the wrong key and never knows when to come in. What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion? •The Uzi stops after 20 rounds. Why do bagpipe players walk while they play? •To get away from that awful noise... What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer? •A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer. How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb? •Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one. What's the difference between a puppy and James Blunt? •Eventually the puppy stops whining. Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician... kill me now!" Now don't get all mad,  you're laughing because you know they're true.  |
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Post by dnic on Sept 13, 2008 0:03:09 GMT -6
"Kill me now". I love that. What's the difference between a large peperoni pizza and a bass player? A large peperoni pizza can feed a family of four. Did you hear about the bassist that locked his keys in his car? It took an hour to get the drummer out. What do you throw a drowning guitarist? His amp. How do you know when the stage is level? Drool comes out both sides of the drummers mouth. What do you call one thousand accordions at the bottom of Loch Ness? A good start. dane  |
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Post by shattered on Sept 15, 2008 12:06:20 GMT -6
How many lead singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.
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quarry
Full Member
I dig rock!
Posts: 119
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Post by quarry on Sept 15, 2008 15:44:16 GMT -6
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Gifted.
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Post by dnic on Oct 10, 2008 23:41:09 GMT -6
What do you call a bass player without a girl friend? "Homeless" Why do guitarists leave their guitar case's on the dash boards of their cars? " So they can park in the handicap spot". |
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Post by GuitarAttack Forum on Oct 11, 2008 18:00:40 GMT -6
I grew up near Nashville, and there were always lots of "truisms" concerning musicians circulating.
Here is my favorite -
Q: What is the difference between a professional and amatuer musician in Nashville?
A: The professional musician's wife has health insurance.
John
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Post by shattered on Oct 14, 2008 10:46:26 GMT -6
I grew up near Nashville, and there were always lots of "truisms" concerning musicians circulating. Here is my favorite - Q: What is the difference between a professional and amatuer musician in Nashville? A: The professional musician's wife has health insurance. John I thought the professional musician slept in a newer van. ;D |
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Post by GuitarAttack Forum on Oct 15, 2008 5:14:38 GMT -6
I thought the professional musician slept in a newer van. ;D Exactly. A true Nashvillian has a $3,000 guitar, a $1,500 car, and the only event he can afford at the LP Stadium (where the NFL Titans play) is the Billy Graham Crusade. John |
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Post by dnic on Oct 19, 2008 18:41:46 GMT -6
Hey twang, thought I'd let you know. Your "two musicians meet the Grim Reaper" joke has become one of my standards and It always gos very well. Finally a joke even "I" can't screw up. Thanks. dane Come on you guys, post more jokes |
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Post by GuitarAttack Forum on Oct 20, 2008 10:19:28 GMT -6
This is one I particularly identify with:
A lady and her young son were walking through Wal-Mart when the boy saw a display for the new AC/DC CD "Black Ice". The young boy pointed excitedly and said, "Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!"
The lady leaned down, patted the boy on the head, and replied, "Now Johnny you have to choose one because you can't do both!"
ROCK ON!
John
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Mach Twang
Full Member
"The large print giveth and the small print taketh away."
Posts: 139
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Post by Mach Twang on Mar 19, 2009 9:07:24 GMT -6
St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician."
"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2009 11:34:13 GMT -6
What's worse than telling jokes about guitarists?.....Laughing at 'em
What do you call tow lead guitarist playing together?... Counterpoint!
How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?... Shoot one.
What's the difference between a lead guitarist and the PLO?...You can negotiate with the PLO
Why bury guitar players 6 feet under?... Because deep down, they're all vary nice people!
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?... None. They just steal somebody else's light!
What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?... A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes.
Why are so many guitarists jpkes one liners?... So the rest of the band can understand them.
How do you confuse a bassist?... Put one of his strings out of tune, but don't tell him witch one!
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?... Who cares - neither one's a guitar!
What's the best thing to play on an acoustic guitar?... Solitaire!
How do you get a guitarist to play quietly? ... Give him a sheet of music!
Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune? ... Neither have I.
What's the range of a Fender Strat? ... Depends on how far you throw it.
What's the difference between a guitar player nd a bag of garbage?... The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
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Mach Twang
Full Member
"The large print giveth and the small print taketh away."
Posts: 139
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Post by Mach Twang on Jun 19, 2009 15:09:54 GMT -6
There are two guys standing on a street corner hailing a cab, one with drumsticks, the other with a guitar. Which one is the professional musician?
--The cab driver.
How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
--Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.
What's the difference between a banjo and a V-8 engine?
--You can tune the V-8.
What's the difference between an onion and a banjo?
--Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.
What's the definition of perfect pitch?
--An accordion hitting a bagpipe in a dumpster.
How many luthiers does it take to change a light bulb?
--Only one, but you have to wait six to eight months.
How is a luthier different from a mutual fund?
--A mutual fund eventually matures and starts making money
What do you say to a luthier in a three-piece suit?
--"Will the defendant please rise....?"
What is one thing you will never say about a luthier?
--"That's his Porsche".
A customer walks into his local butcher shop and says to the butcher, "I'm having guests over tonight and I want something exotic and special to serve them. What do you have?"
Butcher: "Well, we have guitarist brains here; just $1.00 per pound."
Customer: "No, that's not quite what I had in mind. Do you have anything with a little more class?"
Butcher: "How about these violinist brains; just $2.00 per pound?"
Customer: "I don't think so. Hey, what's this over here?"
Butcher: "Oh, yeah, that's luthier brains; they'll cost you $50.00 per pound."
Customer: "What's so great about luthier brains? Why so expensive?"
Butcher: "Listen buddy, you got any idea how many luthiers it takes to get a pound of brains?"
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johncmarks
Junior Member
"She's my sweet little baby, I'm her little loverboy" SRV
Posts: 64
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Post by johncmarks on Jun 20, 2009 7:23:33 GMT -6
What's the definition of perfect pitch?
--An accordion hitting a bagpipe in a dumpster.
I laughed so hard I cried over that one!
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johncmarks
Junior Member
"She's my sweet little baby, I'm her little loverboy" SRV
Posts: 64
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Post by johncmarks on Jun 20, 2009 7:26:59 GMT -6
How is a luthier different from a mutual fund? --A mutual fund eventually matures and starts making moneyWhat do you say to a luthier in a three-piece suit? --"Will the defendant please rise....?"  haaaa! Now that's funny! True too  |
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you're laughing because you know they're true. 
haaaa! Now that's funny!